When Humanity Takes a Backseat to Greed

I'm not going to lie, friends. I'm struggling with our government. I'm deeply discouraged. There are some nonsensical, horrid things happening. Yes, I know we're resisting. Yes, I know a lot has not passed that was proposed. But I'm sure you've read the bill that just made it through the House about proposed health care changes. The one that says rape is a pre-existing condition. Yeah, that one. I'm honestly struggling to put into words how angry and frustrated I feel about this. And there are so many other things about this bill to be angry about. For now, though, I'll just unpack this one bulging suitcase - the fact that we have a man in office who assaults women and then encourages legislation that prohibits women from getting medically necessary care when these things happen. Not even just when these things happen. FOR ALL TIME AFTER THESE THINGS HAPPEN EVEN IF THEY ARE SEEKING CARE FOR OTHER REASONS. 

I'm in a rage. I want to break things. I want to scream. There is absolutely no logical reason for something like this to have even been SUGGESTED. Who in their right mind comes up with this as a possible solution to our health care expenses? In a culture where we further victimize women who come forward, who experience full-blown, life-long character assassinations for speaking truth and advocating for justice? And is there real justice after assault???? Even if that person rots in prison, even if in a civil suit restitution is made, there is no undoing assault. Read the letter from the victim of Brock Turner if you don't know what assault does to the human mind, soul and body. 

So what we do is we block women from getting the care they need. We reinforce social norms (read: rape culture) to shame women, blame women, marginalize women FOR BEING ASSAULTED. I'm literally wringing my hands right now. I just can't even wrap my mind around this. There is no justification for this legislation. There is no peace, no justice, no fucking humanity in this. NONE. Where have we buried our humanity?!?! When did we trade our souls for money? When did we decide that a woman bloodied, battered and torn open is not deserving of justice, care, basic human rights? Where inside of each of us is the place that says that it is ok to blame someone for a life-altering traumatic experience? Rape is not ok. Blaming someone for rape is further victimizing victims. How is this a gray area? 

At what point did we decide that penises are not attached to brains with fully functioning control centers? We must control our impulses to harm other people. And if we cannot, we need to be removed from society. We do not alter society to enable predators. We care for predators by tucking them away. I'm sorry. We need to understand that man is responsible for man's actions. We need to understand that tiptoeing around violence increases violence. We must stand up. We must fight back. We must love our fellow man, woman and child. We belong to each other. How do we not see that? And if we do, how do we trade that interconnectedness for profit? How can we profit from throwing women into mass graves, leaving us to the wolves of violence and lust and a total lack of personal responsibility? This is not winning. This is not making America great again. This is fundamentally irresponsible. This is re-victimizing victims. This is violence. It cannot be tolerated. If you won't reach into that mass grave and pull women out, get the hell out of my country. 

Get Back in Your Box and Other Such Nonsense

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with as a woman is the social pressure to be less, smaller, quiet. I am none of those things. And while I've always cared about other peoples feelings and social pressure, I've never been those things. I am big. I am loud. I don't like to be behind the scenes. And I have lots of feelings. Unfortunately, because I am intelligent, I am often in conversations or environments where those things about me, particularly my big feelings, are treated as a liability rather than an asset. I cannot tell you how many seasons of my life I spent trying to tame the beast that is me. I tried to be quiet, to be small, to be less. I am, sadly, still given that opportunity from time to time and it is a difficult thing to resist. 

And yet there is this other raging voice that comes in and wants me to burn it all to the ground. It makes me want to throw in the towel and just rage at everyone and everything that might want to correct me, change me, reason with me, disagree with me, etc. This reaction to refusing to get back into the box is normal. It's part of how we deal with a philosophical shift. We react in a big way and lean hard in the other direction. I also believe this "box stuff" is triggered by my church trauma and so being reactionary also touches on an area of grief and loss for me. 

The problem with living in this world with a black and white brain is that I've come to the point in my process where my life is giving me opportunities for a middle ground. I will not get back in the box, that much is absolutely secure. And yet, can I live in community with people who are in those boxes but are not willing to get out, or who do not agree that they are a problem or who claim they love their box? Am I strong enough to resist the temptation to climb back in? Am I discrete enough that I won't jump in to their box and rip it from them? Can I respect their process?

I can't imagine that there are only a few boxes and we're all in them or out of them, but rather that each person has boxes that they stay in, burn down or reason with. So my box might work for someone else but it is bondage to me. Can I be shaped by or vulnerable with someone in my old box? I feel my life knocking on this door and I want to run so badly. I want to burn it all down. I am afraid to face those boxes, even as a stronger, more confident version of myself. I want to stop fighting growth because growth hurts and moderation is for suckers. Becoming more mature and healthier is so, so hard. I'm scared. And yet, drawing a line in the sand, and declaring "I'm done sitting in my stuff!" to the world feels like losing. I know that the more I go down this road of personal development, the more growth, joy, peace and freedom I will find. No one can put me in the box again. But being unable to be around my old boxes is just a new kind of box, isn't it? I will not let my fear dictate my life. I won't.