Sifting

As Jonathan VanNess would say, “I’m strugs to func” right now guys. (I told you it was the summer of Queer Eye). My kids both start new schools tomorrow and both situations are not what I was hoping for. One didn’t get into the arts school we dreamed about for years and the other didn’t get the accommodations I was hoping she’d get to adjust well. I’ve struggled with my feelings about this since we started pursuing the options we ended up not getting back in January. And being rejected from those opportunities was really painful and scary for me as a mom.

Tonight, I’m on the cusp of that transition. Tomorrow is the first day of school. Macy will take the bus for the first time, change classes for the first time, have a phone on her for the first time, and just freakin’ be in middle school (the school that everyone I know says is basically the worst place on the planet…still not sure how this is helpful?!?!) And Penny will start at “regular” school (as opposed to Montessori) in a beautiful brand new building with basically no one that she knows. She missed her old teacher tonight meeting her new one. She struggled on the playground equipment. She asked about what it would be like when we left her there tomorrow without anyone she knows.

I’m scared. I’m scared my kids are not ready because I don’t feel ready. I’m scared they’re going to get hurt and I won’t be there to protect them. I’m scared that the adults in charge of them are overworked and understaffed and will miss important things. I feel shame. I feel like I need to be able to control all the things and the fact that I can’t means I’m not a good mother. I know that’s not true but shame is a liar and I am crying tonight with those thoughts.

I’ve done the work to recognize the source of this shame. Between my exclusively Christian education and the purity culture movement, somehow I’ve learned that I’m not capable (so now my kids aren’t) of handling the awfulness that is the big bad world. I’ve learned that innocence is the most important thing - the thing to protect at all costs. I’ve learned that once it is lost there is no way to get it back. You are forever changed in the worst possible way. I feel really backed into a corner because the kids are in situations that I wouldn’t have chosen and cannot prevent. And we don’t have other choices. So somehow, whatever happens to them in these environments represents my inability to “save” them (hello codependency!) from certain, unredeemable doom.

I really think there’s something here. Some sort of parent-based shame. We are taught to be obsessed with innocence. That morality and purity must remain perfectly in tact in order for our kids to be happy and healthy and safe.

Here’s the thing, guys: THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT.

I know it. You know it. Thank God, my husband knows it and has been talking me down through my tears for months. Pain teaches us stuff. If my kids aren’t capable, guess what, the experiences they have will increase their capability! If they are never challenged or shocked or even harmed, how can they grow and learn and hold the pain that life will inevitably bring in adulthood?!?! How can they be compassionate if they’ve never needed compassion? How can they learn to be kind if they’re never treated poorly? Sometimes life lessons are waiting for us on dangerous barely-supervised bus rides and on playgrounds where you cry in fear and adults don’t hear you.

I’m scared. But I’m resolute. We are present, capable parents who will go to bat for our kids if needed. In the meantime, class is in session.

Today is Penny's first day of her second year of preschool. She goes to Montessori school, which typically goes three years with the final year counting as kindergarten. But at this point, we're expecting to send her to public school next year since it's free!!!! So, we're right in the middle of her preschool experience. It has been wonderful and an important transition. Penny and I were particularly attached in her early years because we had trauma occur in the family around her birth as well as she had some developmental stuff going on. So it was a really big deal a year ago for her to start school and begin the separation process for both of us. She went two days a week last year and this year, it's every single day! Just the morning, but still. Big deal. What's fun is she's totally ready and I actually feel totally ready as well. I'll miss the kids while they're in school but I've been a working-at-home mom for 9 and a half years. I've always thought and even stated aloud that once my youngest starts full-time school, it's my time! My time to shine, my time to invest in myself, my time to lean into my career, etc. Even though she's only in part-time school, going every morning is jump-starting this process of independence for both of us.

It can be difficult to straddle the line of being home and earning an income. There have been phases of family life where I was too overwhelmed to work my business at all (yet I've been paid EVERY MONTH for the 12 years I've had my business!) and phases where I wished my kiddos would give me some space because I genuinely wanted to work in a more focused, efficient way. I was reminded this morning at drop off that I have always been in full control of this process and that is really a privilege. There were lots of parents talking about juggling full-time work with preschool drop offs, classroom expectations, making dinner, extra-curriculars, etc. It was just this beautiful moment of sympathy and gratitude for me. I totally respect the process that working parents go through and recognize the value working parents bring to society. And I respect parents who don't bring in an income as well, focusing full-time on their family. I've always been in the privileged middle position where I can and do work as much or as little as I want, giving us the extra money we need to do things like Montessori school and theater classes and family vacations while still being able to be my kids primary caregiver. I get to work around their activities and provide that stability to the family unit. And my income has grown in a way where I'm a full partner in our finances and planning. This truly isn't a side income even though I'm working side hours. What a huge gift!

I'm so thrilled for Penny that she's growing in community and independence. It's developmentally appropriate and good for her. And I'm happy for myself to be in the midst of this transition in my parenting and work balance. I could not be more grateful that I've had the choice to pace us in this process as I've seen fit without suffering financially or personally in my professional development. If anyone reading this is looking for the kind of privilege I've been given in my business, part of my job is to share it and train others to do it. I'd love to give you an opportunity to live this kind of freedom and privilege if you determine it's right for you and your family. This could certainly be a lucrative side hustle but it's also a real career opportunity to grow as a person and to grow a residual income source that you own and can pass on to your kids. Give me a shout if you want me to run through it with you! You can contact me in the "work with me" section of my website or if we're Facebook friends, feel free to PM me.