• Read My Blog
  • My Archive
  • About Me
  • Work with Me
Menu

Sifting

  • Read My Blog
  • My Archive
  • About Me
  • Work with Me
Photo cred - @becomingkarvy

Photo cred - @becomingkarvy

Thank you!
Photo Cred: Time Magazine

Photo Cred: Time Magazine

I'm Still Hurting

October 5, 2018

Tonight I’m asking myself, how do I raise two little girls in the world of Kavanaugh’s and Blasey-Ford’s? What do we do with the reality waiting for our children, a world they know nothing about? My instinct is to protect them from the battle for as long as possible. You only get one shot at being a kid. And yet tonight, my heart is so heavy for women and I want to raise warriors. The problem is, of course, even warriors need someone to follow them. The more I ascribe to ideas from Glennon Doyle (“we belong to each other”) and Rob Bell (“love wins”) the more I recognize how connected we all are. A traumatic event for one teenaged girl is a trauma we carry collectively. That cannot have been more explicit these last few weeks. And we should carry it together because we’ve created the world both in which it happens and in which no one really cares to change. We’ll listen and give her bravery acknowledgement, but we’ll still care more for the accused than the assaulted. Unless it’s a man of color, or a poor person or both. Then we’ll send them to death row without proof.

I know I’m not in the most rational place tonight. And I do understand a reasonable concern about not having accusations be enough without seeking to validate testimony. I get that. I really do. But tonight, I’m holding the hearts and bodies of women all over the world and I want that precious burden to matter more. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to choose. Women would be given dignity because we are human and innately valuable not because of or in spite of our sexual appeal or vulnerability. We should be given dignity because we are worthy of it. And we wouldn’t have to worry about the reputation of innocent or guilty men. That’s the dream. And there are many good men out there. I live with one. If I had sons, I would want them to be good men and I would want them to not have to worry about a false accusation for the one in a million times it actually happens.

I hate to tell you guys this though - we have not reached the tipping point even remotely where these concerns are equal. Not even one fucking little bit.

Until we’re ready to take ownership individually and culturally for our rampant exploitation of and violence against women (especially women of color and trans women), the Kavanaugh’s of the world are going to have to get in the back of the line.

For reals. It’s not that he or his reputation if he is indeed innocent don’t matter. But they don’t matter as much as centuries or more of the exploitation of women. Not even a little bit.

Making the argument that both people have been victimized by this is a false equivalent. It’s obvious it hasn’t been a walk in the park for anyone, by no small means for the people of this country either. I’ve been walking with a heavy tread for weeks and I’ve never even been sexually assaulted. I have friends who’ve spent days sobbing, particularly the day of the testimonies, because it was so triggering and true to their actual lives. I cried watching Blasey-Ford because I was so moved by her courage. I felt her truth woman-to-woman via YouTube, dude. She is the real deal. And because of that, my heart is breaking. I want her truth to be enough. I don’t want her trauma to be used as some political ploy on either side. I certainly don’t want her to be the butt of any jokes, thanks Mr. DJT. Ugh. Disgusting.

What good is courage that falls on deaf ears? What does it mean to ALL WOMEN when you ignore our pain? What do we tell our daughters about speaking their truth if even when they do, no one will care?

These are the questions my heart is holding tonight. Most days I live in faith that things will get better. I look around me at the courage of all the women in my life and in the world and I am deeply inspired. I am inspired by Blasey-Ford.

I just want a better world for her tonight.

I want the loss of whatever future lay before her prior to that night to matter for something. I want the senseless opportunism and aggression and total disregard for humanity to stop. I want a man’s insecurity and need for power to be checked. Hell, I want to see it checked by other men so the victimizers can’t just dismiss us any more. We need allies. Not just on Facebook. We need allies in the Supreme Court. As much as I adore RBG, she ain’t gonna live forever. We don’t need someone to speak for us. The incredible Blasey-Ford’s are doing that beautifully. We need her testimony to matter. We need the slut shaming to stop. We need the stalking and the death threats to stop. We need the questioning of her character, her motives, her choices to stop.

We deserve to be heard. We demand to be heard. Will you listen?

In Parenting, Activism Tags Blasey-Ford, Kavanaugh, Supreme Court, sexual assault, raising feminists
Comment
Photo cred: Getty Images

Photo cred: Getty Images

Tradition!

May 30, 2018

Sometimes you find out how your parenting is going based on passive observation. Of course, we all sit down and have purposeful, intentional conversations with our children. We share our values and beliefs. That's super important. One of the ways we see if those conversations are sinking in or not is when we witness what our kids think is normal. How do they respond when exposed to something in real life that you've tried to normalize at home? 

I was just sitting at the table with the kids scarfing pizza and working on my Harry Potter puzzle. Macy casually mentioned that her friend one year older is gay. My heart leapt but I tried to keep a poker face. I asked some questions about how her friend told her and how Macy responded. It was clear that Macy thought this was a totally normal thing. Then we started talking about all the people in our lives who are in the LGBTQ community. We talked about the married couples at church and the friend who identifies as queer. We talked about how numerically it's more common to be straight but that it's totally normal to be gay. And it wasn't me preaching at a skeptical kid. It was her being like, "duh Mom."

I had to jump on here and capture this feeling. I am elated. "Duh Mom" was not a given in this area based on my conservative upbringing. One of my goals as a parent is to normalize things that are in fact, normal. When we act like normal things aren't normal, we target normal people and cause harm. It is normal to be gay. It is normal to be straight. These are both well within a normal spectrum of human sexuality. I don't say that to minimize the very real struggle the LGBTQ community has and continues to face. Absolutely not. But would that resistance and pain be there if we did, in fact, just stop acting like it's abnormal? Because it's not. Science.

I took Macy to see Fiddler on the Roof last week. In the midst of "the mamas" and "the papas" I started to fret. Ugh. Tradition! Of course, if you've seen the show, bucking and wrestling with, maintaining and subverting tradition is the whole point. It's not about saying all traditions are great and we should just stick with it. But the struggle is real and it is damn hard to challenge tradition. And some things still couldn't abide for dear Tevye. That's human. Seeing the show was another opportunity to see what was or wasn't sinking in with Macy in regards to feminism. When all the singing about gender based roles started, Macy leaned over and said "this is weird." I snickered delightedly. Later when the daughter who married outside the faith was ostracized from the family, she said "this is awful." In the end, the part that bothered her the most was that it didn't end happily. 

Boy, did we have a lot to talk about on the way home!

I think before I had kids, I thought parenting lay in the conversations on the way home. The pausing of the TV to discuss sexist tropes. The natural consequences for reckless or dangerous choices. And parenting lies there. No doubt. But parenting is not just about what you invest in, it's also about what comes back out. Ultimately, she will make her own choices and that won't fully be about my parenting. Even if her choices are incredible and amazing. That will be her. Who she becomes and what she does with what I teach her will be about what she wants to do and who she wants to be. And that's cool. But my piece of this parenting at age 10 includes what we consider normal as a family. And I hadn't quite put my finger on that until I saw it coming back out. This is her base reality. And I'm really excited that her base reality includes thinking being gay is normal and fathers rejecting daughters based on their choice of spouse is inexcusable. Yes!

In Parenting Tags tradition, fiddler on the roof, being gay is normal, establishing your child's base reality, what is normal, parenting, parenting in upper elementary, raising kids, raising feminists, teaching tolerance, momlife, bloggerlife
Comment

Latest Posts

Featured
Feb 10, 2025
I hate greed
Feb 10, 2025
Feb 10, 2025
Jan 29, 2025
Living Memoirs
Jan 29, 2025
Jan 29, 2025
Nov 17, 2024
I Have a Thing About Time
Nov 17, 2024
Nov 17, 2024
Jun 17, 2024
Hospice is Sad, Y'all
Jun 17, 2024
Jun 17, 2024
Feb 16, 2024
Being Present with Myself
Feb 16, 2024
Feb 16, 2024
Feb 10, 2024
It's Official!
Feb 10, 2024
Feb 10, 2024
Feb 7, 2024
Waking Up Surprised
Feb 7, 2024
Feb 7, 2024
Feb 22, 2023
When Ash Wednesday Fits Like a Glove
Feb 22, 2023
Feb 22, 2023
Nov 5, 2021
Fairness and Deservedness
Nov 5, 2021
Nov 5, 2021
Jan 25, 2021
False Choices
Jan 25, 2021
Jan 25, 2021