When Men Control Female Narrative

Well shoot. This is the second time in the same amount of weeks where I have witnessed a minister from my conservative background have issues with posture. When I wrote my original post on this, I was referencing a big blow up that occurred on Facebook when a minister I knew from college made a big mountain about Twitter users wanting to kill Trump (I agree - not a great thing) and a molehill about Charlottesville. I assumed it was unintended and approached his misstep as such. And he totally didn't get it. Hence my post. 

Now I have a minister angry about the term "mansplaining" because it's insulting to all men. Again, not a terrible point, but when women responded by sharing their everyday experiences with mansplaining, though he was quick to renounce the way they were treated, he was not able to back down on his supposed insult. He was downright huffy. And here's the thing: both of these men are good men. Men who love God and love people. I have to tell you - I am DESPERATE to see an evangelical man sit down and be taught.

I can't tell you how much my soul CRAVES to see a Christian, conservative, white man humble himself publicly and take constructive criticism.

Let's face it: this ship sailed for me awhile ago. I have left the churches of Christ and all conservative Christianity. And it has saved my soul and saved my love for God. I'm totally not going back to that. But I don't want to see it die. I want to see it redeemed. And it must start with humility. I so desperately want men to listen to women, for white men to listen to black men and on and on. I know it's hard to admit when you're wrong or when you're focusing on the wrong thing, especially when your privilege blinds you and you can't even see it. I get it. I am a total work in progress and I hate being wrong. 

But that doesn't mean that you get to stay there. Or if you do, you're on a sinking ship that is pride. Please for the love of God, humble yourself. Let the anger roll off you and take feedback that is kind and honest and fair. Perhaps the pulpit has given you a license to be the one who speaks, the one who's learned, the one with authority. But all great teachers are learners first. Don't just learn the words in the Bible. Learn the world. Learn the people around you. Ask for eyes to see the suffering and then don't minimize it just because it hasn't been your experience. Set your offense down and learn.

I would also like to say that seeing women being judged for using a term that it pejorative (that was the operative word throughout the thread) felt like grooming to me. I only get to air a grievance if I use the words preferred by the abuser. Let me just say -

I get to use whatever words I want to use when I tell my story.

My voice. My words. My story. I can't tell you how much from the time we are tiny, little girls we are taught to cater to the comforts of men. Everything comes down to what men like to see on a woman, what their hair and makeup preferences are, what they like to eat, how they might feel, how you need to behave to make them comfortable whether that mean sit on their lap when you don't want to or make yourself invisible. Frankly, I've had enough. I have never found a man who didn't mansplain be offended by the word because they know themselves well enough to know the term doesn't apply to them. Just like I know the word "cunt" doesn't apply to me. Do I like the word? No, not really. Do I internalize it if I hear it because I'm a woman and that word is only used against women? No. Because I am not a cunt. I'm not sorry that the term "mansplaining" is offensive to men who mansplain because their behavior is offensive. The term reflects that offense. If you're offended by a word that doesn't apply to you, there is no insult. And if it does apply to you, no wonder you're trying to control the narrative. I think you may have just shown your hand. If men would stop mansplaining to women, the word would not exist. Problem solved.

It's not up to women to make men feel comfortable about how they degrade women. Period. 

We Don't Need Your Patronizing "Sympathy"

I've had a few experiences recently that have convinced me of the existence of a contingent of people who "mansplain" in the form of "sympathy." I put sympathy in quotes because true sympathy is not a gimmick and requires real care and interest. This is not that. This is when white, Christian, young men tell me they feel sorry for me if I experience hardship without taking any ownership that they may be part of the problem. If I have been the victim of religion-enforced patriarchy, I must have misunderstood what was said, done, implied or intended. Poor deceived woman. There must be some misunderstanding here. Let me explain to you what must have happened and you can see how your perception of grievances is, in fact, the problem. Here's a gentle pat on the head and let me lead you to the right path.

I recently had someone shame and "poor you" me when I openly admitted that I am racist. I have had racist thoughts. I have lived in racial privilege. I have judged people of color with biased reasoning. I have participated in systems that actively oppress people of color as someone who owns a home and was educated and was an albeit unspoken leader in a conservative religion. Granted, I did those things out of ignorance. But that is no excuse. We can't correct racist thoughts, slurs, actions, intent if we don't first SEE IT. So I was openly seeing it. And because of that, I received a pat on the head. How sad for you. 

My life is not a pet project for you to approve of. My activism is not intended for you feel pity. My honesty is not out in the world to make you feel so good about yourself, one who has used having no idea what I'm talking about as some sort of "get out of biased jail free" card. Your ignorance is your condemnation not your salvation. Don't tell me I misunderstood when I was not allowed to share my faith publicly at church. Don't tell me I misunderstood when it was clear that I needed to be a virgin in order to have spiritual currency with which to garner a Christian husband. Don't tell me I misunderstood when it was my responsibility to dress in a way to keep all the young men around me from going to hell with my displayed body. Don't. 

These things are not accidental or anecdotal. When patriarchy and white supremacy are hinted at, you better believe that the root of that plant is bold and intentional. If the fruit is fragrant, that seed created something ripe and alive ON PURPOSE. Those who suffer do not need another pat on the head and more "poor you"s. Those who have been marginalized need to be heard. We don't need your validation but we especially don't need your denial encased in false sympathy. Don't talk to me about good intentions. Don't tell me when the church supports a maniac that it's about abortion or health care or taxes. Here's the thing: when lies are exposed, it becomes clear that your ignorance is part of the problem. Until you can learn to listen, learn to look the fuck up, then I can't help you. And your patronizing, mansplaining "sadness" for me, your sentiment of "can't we all just get along" becomes very hollow, very quickly. If you want to get along, do something to help others get along. Put yourself in the shoes of a recipient of DACA right now. Don't use my admonition to wallow in shame and feel sorry for yourself. Believe it or not, this is not about you.

WAKE. THE. FUCK. UP.