I hate greed

I’ve been feeling down lately. I was talking to my friends about this recently, as low energy and low motivation is pretty rare for me. I realized that everything going on politically is wearing me down. I’m barely even engaging in it and I’m still wiped. I spent some weeks in abject panic and anxiety.

And now I’m flat. But not irretrievably flat. I began to cry talking about it, so I’m not totally gone. But the conclusion I came to is that I do not understand greed. I do not understand why anyone would want to have power over the lives of others in an exploitative way. I do not understand the impulse to take more than is mine. And granted, I’m a very privileged person living in a very privileged country when you speak of global access to resources. I understand that I already take more than my fair share of clean water, electricity, and fuel.

In this case though, I’m speaking of men who have a pit within themselves that no amount of money or power can ever fill. Ever.

I imagine that feels like shit. Not to ever be satiated. To never feel comfortable when all the artifice falls away, when your nakedness is exposed, and you feel safe, good, precious. I can see by their behavior that they don’t have that. They could have that, if they’d put down their bravado, stop shouting, and be vulnerable. But they won’t.

And that would be okay if it didn’t ruin the world and everyone in it. Everyone who has done their sacred work of self-compassion, those who have worked hard to build community, and frankly, just those who are alive and deserve basic rights and dignity. We don’t need to be saints to be essentially sacred beings.

I feel disgust. I am enraged. And I am so damn tired.

And I feel silly for saying that because justice work and resistance has been going on for centuries longer than white folks ever realized. Because we didn’t have to. And most didn’t/don’t want to. I’m new to the conversation. Maybe that’s why I’m less resilient.

I’m sorry that’s not bolstering for others to read. I really am. I want to be the kind of spiritual leader who rallies everyone together, who leads the charge to fight against racism, xenophobia, misogyny, transphobia, and fascism. And I do fight those things in my own way - uprooting the seeds planted within me by this culture, seeing the people around me and responding, being emotionally available, and doing concrete justice work here in Portland.

But I also feel a little lost and a lot scared. I’m so angry.

I hate greed. I do not get it. How are we still doing this as human beings? We keep doing the same shit over and over. The devastation of a few men’s greed is catastrophic. And yet, here it is again. When are we going to stop letting men who must have everything take over so no one else has anything?

Sometimes I wish I was less sensitive, less attached to the outcome. It might be nice to care a little less. I have tried to have boundaries around how and when I consume media right now. But it seeps into my bones, my very spirit.

I wish I had a shiny happy conclusion to write. I’m low and for now, I’m listening to whatever the low wants me to know.

I Have a Thing About Time

I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve always been a pretty serious person. I recognize that life is both short and long and that all we have is the present moment. I was nostalgic even in elementary school. Yet, I have this other thing, where when it’s time to let something go, I really do. It’s a process to sift through, which was the impetus for creating this blog 10 years ago, but I release things initially pretty well and sort as I go. It’s a weird dichotomy because I imagine most people who are nostalgic also probably struggle to release. My ability to release has also grown quite a bit since I started my chaplain training.

Spending time with the dying has really brought this mindful part of myself into sharper focus. It’s a developmentally appropriate practice for the dying, if they are able to reflect, to engage in life review. Many people feel a sense of peace about the life they’ve lived, the relationships they’ve had, the work they offered. But sometimes people don’t. They have deep regrets. And it is in the privilege of holding space for the misery that is deep remorse with no way of going back, that I am even more committed to living my life as authentically as I can.

I left a long marriage. Every marriage is its own ecosystem. No one else knows what it is like to be in someone else’s marriage, even one you witness well. Not even the two people in it have the same experience. The relationship is shared, but the experience is still unique to the individual. Divorce is the same. Each person has the story of how and when and why it didn’t or couldn’t continue. And that is valid, because it is the story we create to cope. It is a tornado of loss, even when it is right. I have been so empowered by my decision to divorce. And it is fully in line with my values and my desire to live authentically.

We all live in the stories we make out of our lives. And at the end of it, we get to see if we think it was a good one. The fact that I get to sit in the room where this sacred work happens, and even more so, in the active stage of dying, where someone is leaving this life and moving to whatever is next, is such a tremendous privilege and responsibility. Learning when to touch someone and when to be still, recognizing when someone is doing their work of letting go that is not to be disturbed…I call it watching someone pull up their tent pegs. If we’re lucky enough to die gradually, as opposed to traumatically or suddenly, we go through a process where we pack up our bags. This is all happening on a spiritual plane. We release our people. We let go of all that is being left undone. And we rest.

We are embarking on a difficult time in this country and in this world. So the question is, what will we do with our one wild and precious life? How will we behave as structures in our country are threatened, as human rights are rolled back? I’ve been in a time of grief and reflection and the conclusion I’m coming to is that I want to double down on all the values I already live. If I have stuff in my car for houseless people, I’m doubling up. If I make donations to civil rights work, I’m increasing that payment. If I am part of creating and leading a congregation of marginalized people, I’m there every day I can join. If I have access to things other people don’t, I’m making sure I can have things to give away to facilitate greater access. This is the time to lean in.

No one knows the future. But I know who I want to be in it.